This morning Harper woke up from a nightmare around 4am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. That happens sometimes, both the nightmares and the not being able to go back to sleep. So this morning, instead of fighting it, I listened to the whisper that told me to dig into my devotionals. Like working out, there is rarely a time where I don’t feel better after reading and spending quiet time with God. So I dug out Savor, by Shauna Niequist and I ready today’s devotion. While I was reading and writing, I had a huge realization. Earth shattering, really. But the thing that brought me there was this question:
What is it that God has made you to love? How do you declare that love and live it out?
It seems like a simple question, right?
But what happens when you fight against those things that God has made us to love? Because I realized that’s what I’ve been doing.
God has called me to be a caregiver and I don’t wanna. **Insert the picture of a two year old me, angry and stomping my foot.
Yep. I’m a caregiver.
Not just in this season because I’m helping momma through her cancer diagnosis and treatment. Not just in the past when I’ve had to make hard decisions. Not just as when I’m taking care of Harper and Carl. Not just when I’m teaching my students.
Not just, but ALL. And I’m tired. And as a result I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I’ve stopped being a caregiver to MYSELF because I want someone else to do it.
And while I know that God is my caregiver and takes care of me, He’s not here physically to do all.the.things. He’s not here to do the meal planning, grocery shopping (or Shipt ordering, cut me some slack), meal cooking, dishwashing, shower taking, night time routine orchestrating.
Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here, though. Carl is amazing and helps out in so many ways. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this crazy life. But even with Carl’s help, I still feel responsible for all.of.the.things even if he’s doing them.
So today, something is going to change. I’m embracing the Simplified Life, thanks to Emily Ley, and I’m focusing on what God has made me to love and living that out. It’s not going to be easy. I’m not going to be perfect. But I am going to find the joy again. Because I refuse to spend the rest of my days fighting what I’ve been called to do.